BRAD INDUSTRIES · CREW DIRECTORY
Meet the crew
Your Brad doesn’t work alone. Everybody has a crew, and up to six can be on duty at once. Each one has a single job: keep you safe. They’re wrong a lot. They mean well every time.
Tap anyone to open their file. The quiz tells you which ones are on your crew.
Prevention Emergency Response The Back Room The Desk
Prevention
They work before anything happens. Planning, checking, scanning the room, keeping you out of trouble you haven’t met yet.
The Archivist Division of Evidence “If it isn’t in writing, it will be denied.” Also goes by The monitor, the record keeper He says “That’s not what you said last time.” He’s protecting The part of you that got talked out of what you saw. His real talent A memory like a vault, and real loyalty to the truth. He stands down when you say “You’re not imagining it. Let’s look at it together.” i beleve you
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The Proofreader Division of Outgoing Messages “Measure twice. Send never.” Also goes by The perfectionist, the image manager He says “Never mind. It’s not important.” He’s protecting The part of you that got laughed at for getting it wrong. His real talent Care. He wants every word to land gently. He stands down when you say “Take your time. I’m not grading it.” send it!!
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The Volume Officer Division of Dimming “Smaller is safer.” Also goes by The shrinker, the approval seeker He says “It’s fine. Forget it.” He’s protecting The part of you that was called too much. His real talent He reads a room in about two seconds. He stands down when you say “I want all of it. Tell me the whole thing.” turn me up
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The Fire Marshal Division of Exits “Leave first. Leave clean.” Also goes by The avoider, the escape planner He says “Maybe this isn’t working.” He’s protecting The part of you that got left. His real talent He spots real danger fast, and he’s ready to move. He stands down when you say “I’m not going anywhere. Let’s take ten minutes and come back.” i’m staying
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Customer Service Division of Keeping Everyone Happy “No one is upset if everyone is happy.” Also goes by The people pleaser, the reassurer He says “Sorry! My fault! Totally fine!” He’s protecting The part of you that only felt safe when everyone else was happy. His real talent Warmth. People feel welcome around him. He stands down when you say “We’re okay. You don’t have to fix this by yourself.” no is ok
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The Forecaster Division of Worst-Case Weather “Expect the worst. Bring a sweater.” Also goes by The pessimist, the hypervigilant one He says “Something’s wrong. I can tell.” He’s protecting The part of you that got hit by a storm nobody warned you about. His real talent He’s ready for anything. He’s great in a real emergency. He stands down when you say “Here’s what’s happening, and here’s what isn’t.” it’s sunny
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Internal Affairs Division of Internal Investigations “If I find it first, nobody else can.” Also goes by The inner critic, the judge, the rule enforcer He says “You should have known better.” He’s protecting The part of you that felt ashamed for being wrong. His real talent High standards and a sharp eye. Excellent at quality control. He stands down when you say “Thanks for checking. I’ve got this one.” ur doing ok
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The Overtime Supervisor Division of One More Thing “Rest is for after. After keeps moving.” Also goes by The taskmaster, the workaholic, the competitor He says “I’ll rest when it’s done.” He’s protecting The part of you that only felt wanted when you were useful. His real talent Drive. He gets big things done. He stands down when you say “We’re still worth keeping if we stop at five.” lets go play
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The Building Super Division of Fixing Other People’s Things “Their leak is my emergency.” Also goes by The caretaker, the fixer, the self-sacrificer He says “I’ll handle it.” He’s protecting The part of you that had to grow up too fast. His real talent Generous and capable. The one everybody calls in a crisis. He stands down when you say “This one isn’t ours to fix.” u can rest
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Logistics Division of Plans for the Plans “There’s a plan for the plan.” Also goes by The controller, the planner, the overthinker He says “What time, exactly?” He’s protecting The part of you that felt helpless when everything changed. His real talent Foresight. He sees problems coming and solves them early. He stands down when you say “We’ll figure it out when we get there.” surprize!!
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The Undercover Agent Division of Fitting In “Copy the room. Never be the odd one.” Also goes by The masker, the image manager, the stoic He says “I’m good, how are you?” He’s protecting The part of you that felt like the odd one out. His real talent He reads people beautifully and understands every side. He stands down when you say “We can take the costume off here.” be u
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Emergency Response
They show up after the alarm, fast, to put the feeling out. Any way they can.
The Distraction Department Division of Look Over There “If you can’t see the feeling, it isn’t there.” Also goes by The escapist, the scroller, the gamer, the numbing part He says “Have you seen this video of a goat?” He’s protecting The part of you that felt overwhelmed with nobody to help. His real talent Rest and play. He knows how to take a break. He stands down when you say “I see it. We can look at it for one minute.” feel it
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Building Security Division of Raised Voices “Nobody gets near the inner child.” Also goes by The explosive part, the blamer He says “Back up.” He’s protecting The part of you that got hurt while nobody stepped in. His real talent Courage. He protects what matters. He stands down when you say “Thank you. We’re safe enough to talk.” im safe
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Lights Out Division of Closed for the Day “The building is closed. Try again tomorrow.” Also goes by The isolator, the shutdown, the sleeper He says “I just need to be alone.” He’s protecting The part of you that felt alone and overwhelmed. His real talent He knows when the battery is empty. He’s a recovery expert. He stands down when you say “Rest is allowed. We open when we’re ready.” nap time
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Procurement Division of Add to Cart “Something new will fix it. Express shipping.” Also goes by The impulse shopper, the over-spender, the over-indulger He says “It was on sale.” He’s protecting The part of you that felt like there was never enough. His real talent Generosity, and real joy in small things. He stands down when you say “It can stay in the cart until tomorrow.” i have enuf
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The Department of Later Division of Tomorrow “Not now. Now is the worst time.” Also goes by The procrastinator, the avoider of tasks He says “I’ll do it tomorrow.” He’s protecting The part of you that was told you weren’t trying hard enough. His real talent Under pressure he’s brilliant. He works fast when it counts. He stands down when you say “Two minutes. Just to see.” just start
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The Stunt Coordinator Division of Something Big, Right Now “If it’s boring, it’s dangerous.” Also goes by The adrenaline seeker, the impulsive part, the social butterfly He says “Let’s do something.” He’s protecting The part of you that felt empty when things got quiet. His real talent Spark. He turns life into an adventure. He stands down when you say “The fun will still be here tomorrow.” slow is ok
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Some crews take riskier jobs, like drinking or using, gambling, bingeing, or hurting yourself. Brad doesn’t joke about those. If one is working on your crew, you deserve real help, not a form. In the US, call or text 988.
The Back Room
The inner child
The one the whole crew is protecting. Writes in red crayon. Three words or fewer. Usually right.
Every crew member above is guarding a younger part of you: the part that got left, the part that was called too much, the part that had to grow up fast, the part nobody noticed. That’s who’s in the back room.
hi
Get a permission slip from the inner child
The Desk
You
Not crew. Management. The one who can sit with every member of the crew and stay steady.
Calm. Curious. Kind. Clear. Brave. Connected. Creative. Confident.
When you’re at the desk, the crew can stand down.
House rule: nobody gets fired. Every one of them took the job to keep you safe.
Brad comes from GLORIOUSLY UNSCRIPTED , a memoir by Cherish Fisher. @GloriouslyCherish · gloriouslycherish.substack.com
Brad is a comedy character. Everything here is skills practice and self-reflection, not therapy or medical care. If you’re in crisis in the US, call or text 988.