He texted first.

A text arrives from Trivia Guy: “hey”

BRAD Incoming. One word.

CHERISH It says hey.

BRAD Lowercase.

CHERISH Everybody types lowercase.

BRAD Everybody’s not texting you.

BRAD Pulling his profile picture.

BRAD Avoidant hair!

CHERISH He has no hair. He’s bald.

BRAD Exactly! It’s already gone!

THE INNER CHILD hi, NO hair!!

BRAD She’s compromised.

BRAD He’s holding a fish.

CHERISH Lots of guys hold fish.

BRAD Exactly. It’s an organized movement.

BRAD Drafting a reply.

Draft replies: “hey” (TOO EAGER). “hey.” (TOO COLD). “heyyy” (ABSOLUTELY NOT). “who is this.” (APPROVED).

CHERISH We know who it is.

BRAD He doesn’t know we know.

THE INNER CHILD (takes the phone and sends) hi!!

BRAD Who sent that.

BRAD Two exclamation points.

Brad presses the panic button. Red light. Siren.

CHERISH Brad. It’s fine.

BRAD I know. I’m pressing it recreationally.

THE INNER CHILD my turn!!

BRAD Absolutely not.

BRAD, WHISPERING He’s typing.

BRAD He stopped. That’s a tactic.

CHERISH Or he’s driving.

BRAD While texting? Reckless. Noted.

Trivia Guy replies: “hi!! want to get tacos thursday?”

BRAD Tacos. Thursday. He made a plan.

CHERISH That’s a green flag.

BRAD It’s a red flag that’s been to therapy.

THE INNER CHILD date!!

BRAD ...Noted.

BRAD I’m bringing snacks. And the button.

CHERISH It’s tacos, Brad.

BRAD Then I’m bringing two buttons.

Stamp: APPROVED · WITH CONDITIONS

Everybody has a Brad. (In crayon: and me!!) What’s yours?